Have you ever had a wound that starts to itch like crazy when it started to heal? Were you able to resist the temptation to scratch at the scab? Or did you scratch so much that you made the wound bleed again?
Today I was acutely reminded that healing is a journey not a destination.
Emotional healing is a cycle of expansion and contraction. With each cycle a greater depth of understanding and awareness can arise. There are points in the cycle though where you are feel pulled back, and issues you had let go in the past may resurface to provide you with an opportunity to learn a deeper wisdom. There are points in the cycle where you draw on that deeper wisdom to expand your awareness. In this stage you feel your life fill with an intensity of appreciation and in doing so deepen the connection with yourself and with others. Emotional healing flows like your breath - inhale, pause, exhale - If we get stuck in any part of the process, it feels uncomfortable.
As we commit to a journey of personal change not only does the relationship to ourself changes, but so do our rules of engagement with those around us. Some of those changes are welcomed by the people in our life. Some are not. This can create inner or external conflict as we navigate newly forged paths, that even in ourselves we may not be sure are the best paths to be forged, but it is the path that our healing journey has taken thus far.
In the psychological field of transactional analysis, there is a famous model called Karpman's Drama Triangle which provides an explanation to the roles that people play in conflicted relationships. Karpman's Drama Triangle is a wonderful insight into the complexity of social interaction, and that during conflict the role we play can consistently switch to a new position as expectations or needs are not met. If you have ever watched "Everyone Loves Raymond", you have certainly watched the dynamics of the Drama Triangle in full action as each of the characters cycle through the roles of persecutor, rescuer and victim. If we are unaware of the roles we play or the reason why we adopt certain roles in conflict, we can easily become engaged in the drama triangle. When we engage in the drama in our lives we are inviting pain and suffering into our lives, more often than not there are no happy endings in a drama. If we are dealing with an inner conflict, the voices in our head are more than likely playing out the different roles on the Karpman's Drama Triangle.
In 2009, David Emerald published a positive response to Karpman's Drama Triangle called The Empowerment Dynamic (TED). In this model, Emerald offers alternative roles to move out of the Drama Triangle and to engage in healthier relationships. It recommends that the "victim" adopt the alternative role of creator, view the persecutor as a challenger, and enlist a coach instead of a rescuer. The Creator is someone who is outcome-oriented as opposed to problem-oriented. The Challenger is a person or situation that forces the creator to clarify their needs, and focus on resolving "dynamic tension" (the difference between current reality and the envisioned goal or outcome) by taking incremental steps toward the outcomes they are trying to achieve. The Coach is a person who asks questions that are intended to help the individual to make informed choices. The key difference between a rescuer and a coach is that the coach sees the creator as capable of making choices and of solving their own problems. A coach asks questions that enable the creator to see the possibilities for positive action.
It is unlikely that we can create sustainable personal change if we attempt to create that change within triangles of drama be that in relationship with others or our relationship to ourselves. For healthy, sustainable change, The Empowerment Dynamic provides an insight into the roles that we as the creator of change need to perform and the best roles that need to surround us to support that change.
It is inevitable that with any change in our personal relationships there is this chain reaction. It is evidence that a change has taken place. The small rock that has fallen from its original resting place can potentially become the catalyst for an avalanche. This is why sometimes change can feel chaotic and out of control. In changing we have repositioned our world view, there is a period of unease while the affiliated effects of that change take the time that they take to catch up with the new status quo. If we want to create healthy change we need either completely disengage from the patterns of drama or to look to people in our lives to be our Challengers and our Coaches to support that growth.
Flying Solo Tip 053365 : Healing is a journey not a destination.