At the beginning of this year, I was at the brink of an emotional, physical and mental breakdown, so to was my relationships and the business. Everything in my life was shaken - turned upside down. In many respects it feels like a lifetime ago. A lot of difficult decisions were made, and a lot of very stressful situations were worked through. A lot has come to pass, and I have done much inner work both solo, with the support of others, and with others. Today I received a phone call from the psychologist that I consulted during my most vulnerable time. She was simply checking in but it was also an opportunity for me just take stock of how different I feel emotionally, physically and mentally today.
One of my go-to books is Women Who Run With The Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. This book has adorned my bookshelf for almost 20 years. Every time I read it, I gain new insights, guidance and deeper wisdom. Due to life experiences (some more traumatic than others) I enter the pages each time with a different level of appreciation. There have also been times, when I couldn't even bear to open the book, for I knew what lay inside the covers. These were times when I was so far from being connected with myself, that reading a sentence from the book would stir up so much sorrow and frustration that I had allowed myself to get so lost.
The book eloquently describes how women lose sense of themselves and through the use of myths and stories offers guidance on how to reclaim personal power and intuitive wisdom. To follow a path of transformation "we must unlock or pry ourselves open and other matters open to see what is inside ... when the soulful life is being threatened, it is not only acceptable to draw the line and mean it, it is required." It is easy to recognise when we have strayed too far and stayed for too long in a place where we are relinquishing our personal power, starving our creativity, and ignoring our instinctual natures.
It is those times in our lives when we intend to take action but are living just for the next week, or when summer comes, or when we get out life sorted, then .... . Yet for a tortuous time, we continue to drag ourselves through our day-to-day routines feeling guilty. "Yes, yes, I know. I should but ...." "The buts are the dead giveaways that we have stayed too long" and it is time to return home to ourselves. To return to oneself there is a need for intentional solitude which can be as simple as tuning out distractions. It does not have to be as dramatic as turning our entire lives upside down, although sometimes this is completely necessary. A new perspective emerges when everything is upside down.
More recently as days pass, I am enjoying regular returns home. I have lived large portions of my life where I have not allowed myself to go home to myself, when I needed to, and have overstayed in places where I have allowed my spirit to be crushed and ended up living in a depleted state. In this madness it was sheer dogged determination and willpower that kept me going, putting one foot in front of the other, to prove that I had value and a legitimate right to be here. All the time consuming even more energy with no reward. These days, when I return home, I am tending to the fire, finding my voice, spreading my wings and finding my feet. I find that I am motivated less by the question of legitimacy and having to prove my right to existence. Today I am far more interested in
"the most important question
in order to see into and behind,
to weigh the value that all that lives ...
Where is the soul?" (2)
Flying Solo Tip 021365 : For a different perspective and fresh insight, turn upside down.
(1) and (2) excerpts from Women who run with wolves.