note 2 self

For the past week, it feels as though I have been in some alternate universe; watching life go by from the sidelines rather than being on the playing field. As with lost time, I am not even going to try and catch up on the lost postings this past week. There was a time when I would have felt a failure for letting a commitment like this slide. Now I have learned more to be in tune with my inner world; and sometimes that does not require an outer expression to satisfy some egotistical parameters that I have put up in my life as yardsticks for success.

I am forever amazed by the way the universe works; and how life unfolds through the unexpected. Today, I received a letter in the mail. A love letter of sorts; and in the moments of reading it, this letter brought me back from the void. It was a letter written many, many months ago and found its way into my mailbox on a day when I felt like I was about to seriously consider an application from Doubt and Fear to take up residency once again in my household - to walk away from my photography business, to stop doing this blog, to seek out a "more regular" lifestyle and living.

The letter reads :

"I want to start by saying thank you for being there. From the very beginning, you have brought wisdom and strength to my life. You have been wise with your choices. At times we have been silly, and at times we may have thought our decisions were rash or of no consequence. But, as I take this time to look back across our shared history, it is so clear to me today that you always know the decisions to make, so that we would ultimately get the best out of life; so that we would have the most amazing adventures for learning; so that over time we could crystallise our thinking and be absolutely certain.

Sometimes we played hide and seek with each other. I know that sometimes I ignored you - the way that Romany ignored Jayne on the wall, but no matter how angry or sad I was, you were patient, and resilient and open in mind and in heart. You never gave up on what was truly important; and that was staying true to yourself.

Together we have cried oceans of tears for others, but really we were crying for ourselves. We have gone into battle to protect the ones have have loved. Sometimes I felt like I was faking that bravery and courage. - but you, you remained true. Your silence I understand now was just patience. In the darkest of moments when I wanted to end it all and just fall into that deep dark hole and disappear forever, you were the one that would take that next breath so that I could pull myself together.

I love you for your courage, for your relentless desire to live life with intention and integrity. I love you for your wisdom and insight. I love how you challenge me and take me to places that I never thought existed. Most of all I love your unfathomable, deep, absolute belief that it is possible. Anything is absolutely possible.

Sometimes you make me laugh so much. I often wonder, where does that inspiration come from? What magic do you know? You have this amazing wisdom, this incredible joy that never ends. I am so proud of you for never once doubting that I am worth it.

When I am down you find a way to bring me back up. When I am lost in the clouds and can't settle my thoughts, you are the rudder that guides me. I am the shadow, you are the light. You lead me from danger when it is of no benefit. You take me through the fires of transformation when I am ready. You have protected me and cared for me. You have shown faith in me when no-one else did. You have laughed at my mistakes and told me - "just try again". You stay up with me late into the night to watch the stars and have listened to me speak my heart.

You are the one that understands every nuance in my heart even before I feel it. You are the one that listens to my every thought with understanding even before I have thought it. You have anticipated my every need, even before I knew what I wanted. You have been there through the good and the bad. You have never abandoned me, even when I felt so lost. You have let me wander at times without direction, knowing that we were already on track and were exactly where we needed to be at any given time.

I am so grateful for your infinite love. You give me strength. You inspire me to action. You soothe my wounds. You tell me the things I need to know in order to heal. You have been the most amazing miracle in my life. Without you, I would not have been able to achieve all that I have. Your energy resonates with the world. You are powerful and strong, kind and gentle, fierce and bold. You fill the universe with such beauty.

I love how you are never embarrassed to express yourself and to feel each moment fully. I am sorry that sometimes I have been the one to put the brakes on and to be uncertain about you. Sometimes you have scared me. Sometimes I have been ashamed to be associated with you; but that was just me trying to fit in. But for you, it never mattered - just being yourself was enough.

I appreciate your wisdom for the words you have given to inspire me to be an amazing mum. I appreciate your wisdom for being so in tune with those around me that I have been able to appreciate their pain and their journey. It has taken me a long time to finally learn that I can only be truly compassionate when I properly place responsibility with you, My only responsibility is to you. I am sorry that at times I neglected you. It is not because I never loved you, I was afraid that if I loved you that others would not be able to love me. I know how ridiculous this is now, because in loving you my capacity for love and compassion, care and heart becomes limitless - like you have always believed and wanted to show me.

Anything is possible.

I want to thank you for all the moments of incredible inspiration. I want to thank your for bringing confusion and inner conflict. Those moments have only solidified my essential beliefs; have brought alchemy to the essence of the truth for me. I am so in love with you - the way you think, the way you smile, the way you open up your heart and let people in; the way you embrace your generous nature. I am so honoured to know you. I cannot imagine life without you. You are my rock, you are my guidance. You know the worst of me and the best of me. I can stand naked in front of you with no shame, no guilt, no fear.

Your best friend ...."

We often forget to pay attention to the one single relationship that will be with us our entire lives; and possibly for eternity. I cannot express, how much I needed this "note to self" at this time. On the course when I wrote this letter many months ago, we were all aghast that on completing the exercise we were all asked to put the letter in and seal the envelope; to hand those private words over to the facilitators - never knowing if we would see them again. Just writing the words back then felt like a powerful and liberating experience. As life filled the space, I had forgotten about the exercise and what I had written. On now receiving the letter, it feels as powerful if not more so, in receiving those words from myself as it was to give those words to myself. There is a profound lesson there. (As a side note, I wrote this letter when I has an emotional wreck and very uncertain about my future, and writing it was only possible because I decided to trust the process.)

Fill your heart with the feeling of gratitude and immense love and write yourself a love letter. It has no use by date, hide it away for safe keeping and read it whenever you need to push the reset button on life.

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Flying Solo Tip 096365 : Write yourself a love letter.

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