Doubt is an insidious creature. It is sly and cunning and lurks in the shadows. It wants you to feed at the Restaurant of Anxiety where the meals are cheap and greasy. It puts up the flashing neon signs at Fear Hotel and gives you the directions so you can have an overnight stay in a bed, ridden with biting bugs; where the plumbing gurgles all night; and where the naked fluorescent light bulb buzzes like an annoying mosquito. You want to escape but are too tired to drive on.
Today I have been particularly vulnerable. That little voice inside my head started nattering on and I took some of it to heart. The questions start bubbling up. Doubt likes questions that demand pitiful answers. In the future, will I be able to trust myself to trust another in an intimate relationship? Will I just end up in another hurtful relationship? Will my customers find my work good enough to want to work with me again? Will all the inner work I have done these past months to stay afloat simply evaporate into thin air? Will I find myself sinking into another bout of depression? Will ...? Will ...? Will ...? Doubt wants you to say with conviction "I am not .... enough".
When we are experiencing doubt we are rationalising a situation to fit our emotional state. It is natural to go through periods of doubt after an extended creative high, or a time of success, or when our energy is down. Are these rationalisations valid or are they excuses to avoid a perceived potential for failure? As Steven Pressfield suggests in "The War of Art", sometimes we just have to give ourselves some tough love, overcome the resistance and get out of our own way.
There is a popular saying taken from the work of Jim Rohn that each of us are the average of the five people we spend the most time with. According to the neuroscientist, Dr. John Kounios, our neural connections change even after a 20-minute conversation! When you are flying solo, that is a lot of one-on-oneself conversations. What I have discovered is that when alone, you have to be vigilant about the conversations you choose to have with yourself, but by the same token to be true to oneself this does not mean focussing only on the faeries, sunshine and rainbows.
I found a very interesting article tonight, while wanting to gain a better understanding of what is going on for me right now and the sudden influx of doubtful thinking. The article discusses the link between depression and creativity and how it can be good for you. It has certainly helped me put a few things about today into perspective. At the end of the day, the questions we ask of ourselves plays a huge role in determining the type of people be will become.
I have known for some time that one of the things I have to work on is self-compassion. I often see my MS as my barometer ... and when it flares up, it is a reminder that I need to exercise self-compassion. Most people find it easy to extend compassion to others, but struggle to do so for themselves. I just took a self-compassion test that I found on line. Not being hard on myself, my results did suggest that I have room for improvement. Exercising self compassion is one of the steps that we can take to deal with doubt and the consequences of doubtful thinking. I think I would score rather well on a "tough love" questionnaire!
However, I must say that my mood since starting to write the blog for today has shifted. It is human to doubt. Those who think a lot, ruminate on their thinking or have a critical questioning mind, as I do, are more likely to experience intense periods of doubt. The good news without a doubt is that there are things we can do to get unstuck; to tap into the energy to resist the temptation to eat at the Restaurant of Anxiety or have an overnight stay at the Fear Hotel.
Flying Solo Tip 048365 : When in a state of doubt, engage the internal dialogue and respond with a concoction of tough love tempered with self compassion.