Thanks to a dear friend, I share these lyrics :
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon And down this beaten path, up this cobbled lane I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again
And you say, just be here now Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin Just let me throw one more dice I know that I can win I'm waiting for my real life to begin
(1)
A day of editing images gives way to silent musings. It occurred to me that I may seem overly obsessed with power, reclaiming personal power as a way to wellness and concerns about the abuse of power.
When I was 19 I was raped and forced to perform certain sexual acts while three other men watched on. Immense shame. Soul destroying humiliation. Savage guilt. My survival instinct was to relinquish any hold on my personal power, although a voice inside of me was screaming to fight. Although the details of that night no longer bring emotional distress, it is a thread in my tapestry of life that has woven itself up and over both my professional and personal life. I chose to wrap up that event in a neat little parcel and stuff it deep into the cupboard where all the other skeletons belong and got on with life. However, the ghosts would come out to haunt me. I struggled with the most intimate of relationships and for a very long time could not bring myself to find pleasure in certain sexual acts.
Early in my corporate career, a mentor advised me that my problem was that I had a healthy disrespect for authority (read as "someone exercising their power over me"). I sought a solution because I knew that if I did not learn to deal appropriately with authority, then I would have a very short lived and limited career. I decided to join the army reserve. Where else is there such a strong hierarchy of command and authority. The day I received my uniform, I had a compelling dream. In that dream, I was putting on my brand new lace up army boots all black and very shiny. I could feel the power. In the dream I then proceeded to grind my lover's face into the ground until it was no longer recognisable. I woke up in a cold sweat. I was scared shitless.
Just the other day after a long and convoluted conversation, a close friend lamented to me, "I just realised, I am afraid of my own power. How can that be?". I can totally empathise with her plight. Our personal power can feel like a dangerous thing when we keep it caged like a wild animal.
For almost 20 years throughout my corporate career, I was a strong advocate for employee empowerment. I found it difficult to reconcile the abuse of power in the business world and to see people around me disempowered and disenchanted by their circumstances. I designed and implemented organisational systems to encourage a better balance of power in working relationships. It only occurred to me today, why I was so passionate about this. Instead of completely dealing with that little box, all neatly wrapped up and stuffed at the back of the cupboard, I had projected my angst out into the world. If I could make the world better and if I could take away some of the pain, shame or humiliation that others my be feeling then the events of that night would eventually recede.
For the majority of my adult life and in many respects, I have failed to nurture a healthy relationship with my own personal power. It is not surprising that my most intimate relationships to date have been seasoned with elements of abuse. Fear, shame and humility conditioned me to over identify with the fear, pain and disempowerment of others even perpetrators than face the personal fear, shame and humility of not exercising my own power to protect myself or at least create the circumstances in my life to live now being well. In the last days, I have come to realise that it is a fools paradise to only project our most inner and often secretive power struggles out into the world. In doing so we become prone to acting with judgemental attitudes, righteousness and even martydom. We are unable to truly support another and help them to tap into their own personal power, unless we have come to terms with our own personal relationship with power.
Power is a double-edged sword. The power to create and the power to destroy exits in each of us in equal measure. The distance between the two extremes is not so great.
(1) song lyrics from Colin Hay "Waiting for my real life to begin".
Flying Solo Tip 023365 : "The power to create and the power to destroy exists in each of us in equal measure."