The Australian bush is rejuvenated once devastated by the ferocious flames of a bushfire. From the blackened scorched earth, new growth emerges, perpetuating the natural cycle of creation and destruction and creation once more. The phoenix will rise above the ashes and be reborn. So too, we may often find ourselves in a landscape of devastation with an opportunity to be transformed.
Then there is the kind of woman whose spirit soars the heavens with grace and elegance, who walk gently upon the earth leaving no mark, and can crawl deep inside the womb of the shadows and rest there with ease. They are skilled at traversing the paths of life, by honouring the power of their essence, respecting their shadow self and maintaining a balanced ego. I aspire to be one of those women.
It was 7 years ago, that I felt I was in a position to transform my life. Back then, I had recently left a world of corporate corridors and boardrooms. I felt as though it was a chance for me to rebuild my shattered life and start afresh ... and I did. I was filled with ecstatic joy - my desire was to live a life with intention, live with an open heart, learn to trust again and I had an unquestionable belief that I could heal myself. I was determined to not repeat the mistakes of my past. This was my time. It was around that time that a connection was formed - a strong psychic connection and I literally felt the wheels of the universe grind into action. I just knew from my core that the moment that I made that connection that my life had changed irrevocably - I did not know how or in what way but it felt momentous.
It is almost 6 years to the day, that this connection saw my face for the first time. It was only months later he learned my real name. The rest is history. In the beginning , there were many friends around the world that supported our union - our love was likened to a fairytale. However, most fairytales have a darker underbelly and ours was no different - hidden from the public view. We loved, we fought with our own demons, we fought with each other, together we struggled financially, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Our egos and shadow selves took centre stage, and the essence of our original connection and intention got lost in the mire of despair and darkness. Our period of separation has been tumultuous, draining and soul destroying. In the last moments we were physically together, I thought that our relationship had hit rock bottom, but I was to be proven wrong - it got worse and much more intense. In spite of all the drama, that psychic connection that bound us 7 years ago was just as strong.
Today is exactly 6 months since our physical farewell at the airport - the day I found Drago. After the events of yesterday, I felt like trash this morning ... and then everything became clear. I realised that it was my ego that felt like trash - it was bruised and shaken; and once I put that aside, I realised that in spite of the past years, that my spirit has been undamaged. I still wanted to live a life with intent, I still wanted to live with an open heart, I still believed in the power to heal myself, but most importantly I now wanted to trust in myself. I was then able to appreciate that this journey and all the fires along the way is what I needed to become one of those women that I aspire to be.
I had always considered that the time I had spent with my lover, husband and soul partner had been a gift. Even in our dark days, I knew I was learning. My wedding vows to him had eluded to that - he saw me as no other saw me, he had seen into the darkest recesses of my mind, but also the light essence that shone within. However, it was only today that I truly understood how this time together has given me an incredible awareness about my ego, and the values of my shadow self. It is only with this knowledge that I can now start again with greater wisdom.
Yesterday I was scared. I knew that I was in a vulnerable place and that my ego and shadow self were out of balance with my true essence. That is such a dangerous place as we are likely to act on our impulses and in doing so recreate exactly the same scenario that we have tried to escape from. We will form relationships with others to recreate moments in our past to either relive a lost feeling to satisfy the ego or believing that it will be different this time, only to find ourselves deeper in the screeches of the shadows. This impulsive reaction is the same as taking multiple photos in the same place without changing your camera settings or your position - all the photos will look the same. Unless something changes you will get the same result time after time after time.
I knew that if I stayed in that place and did not take the time to appreciate the value of this mess, I was at risk of creating a unhealthy connection with someone, anyone just to satisfy the ego and feed the shadow. Before long I would find myself in another quagmire but with the same shit .... and I really don't want to do this shit all over again. It truly is time to get of the mouse wheel.
The final epiphany from today was that in order to truly free myself and start again, was an awareness that I need to withdraw from the psychic connection that binds us. When we first broke up, many people would say to me - just block him. I didn't see the point and would say ... but it doesn't matter he would be able to find me anyway, and besides I didn't want to carry unresolved issues around with me. I am not a believer in just sweeping things under the carpet. That is just a missed learning opportunity to discover more about ourselves and those around us, and a missed chance to potentially create a different future for ourselves. I realised today that the reason why blocking would not have mattered was because my psychic connection to him is too strong and it is not so much that he could find me, but that I could always find him and see through him, experience what he is feeling, no matter the distance (geographic or emotional) between us.
Tonight, exactly 6 months since our physical separation, in a vacuum void of space and time, ego and angst we were both able to respectfully say goodbye.
p.s. when I was searching to read the phoenix mythology I came across the writings of Charles Bukowski and his book of poetry called "What Matters Most is How Well You Walk Through the Fire". One quote stood out to me : “When a hot woman meets a hermit one of them is going to change.” I hope that at least one of my readers will smile at this. Perhaps both of them will change.
Flying Solo Tip 010365 : Respectfully and gently disentangle yourself from the cords that bind you.