What is it about a piece of paper that makes everything seem so much "more official" ? The birth certificate to prove our existence, the marriage certificate that officially and legally binds you to another, the death certificate confirming our final farewell. Even in this age of digital communications, paper still holds a power unto its own.
Today, I received official notice from the Australian Government that my business has transferred from its former legal entity to one of sole trader. Woah! opening it gave me a moment for pause. Although the transfer is dated 29 June, holding and reading that piece of paper made everything "so real". Now there is a whole slew of administrative work to be done to reset up the business operations under its new entity. It is a day I definitely have to schedule very soon into my diary and just get it done.
When my husband and I initially set up the business, we were so excited when the piece of paper that officially recognised the business partnership arrived. That piece of paper meant so much. Today, my mood was far more sober and sombre. Although I am confident that I can continue to build the business, as a sole trader there is only one place where responsibility and accountability of the business falls. There are no escape clauses. There are no exits for excuse. There is no blame buffer.
I was asked today how did it feel to be "solo", if there was a sense of relief or freedom. To me, flying solo is taking full responsibility for my life. I am not sure that there is a greater or lesser degree of freedom when flying solo compared to being in a partnership (be that business or personal). To be honest, I have struggled through these transitionary months from partnership to sole trader; from being married to being separated. In the past, I was able to readily harness extraordinary amounts of energy to expend on the personal and business partnership. I have found it difficult to gather those same levels of energy to give to myself. It has been a conundrum. Where did that drive go? Why is it that I could be motivated for others but not for myself? When it matters most, will I be able to depend on myself?
It has required some deep soul searching. The best I can come up with is that this is the first time I am in a situation where I only have responsibility and accountability to myself. This is a new and unfamiliar space for me. This is an opportunity to put myself first, to care for myself as much as I used to care for others. It means that I actually have to learn to love and deal with myself rather than projecting that need to be loving and kind and generous onto someone else. I think I am a little afraid of truly loving myself, of being kind and generous to myself. I have stripped myself of my former roles in life - roles that I was very practiced at with respect to the rules of engagement. What roles should I now choose for myself? All I know is that I want to choose wisely, as I am done with dysfunction, despair and dis-ease.
As much as I have always been a person of my own mind, self-sufficient and independent; ironically, I have only expressed these in the context of a relationship. I am strong, somewhat stubborn; I am resilient, somewhat relentless in the pursuit of achieving an outcome, I take responsibility seriously, which is sometimes misconstrued as being controlling. It would be easy to assume that all these characteristics are compatible to a life of flying solo. More often than not, I am certain that these characteristics contributed to my serial entanglement in dysfunctional relationships. Now that I am officially flying solo, I feel that this next phase in my life will test how much and how many of these personal characteristics that I have worn as badge of honour hold true ... or have they all been a mask that I have expertly carried with false bravado because previous circumstances had demanded that of me.
Flying Solo Tip 006365 : Do I have the courage and conviction to confidently take full responsibility for my own life - no excuses, no blame, no escape clauses, no safety net?