... a wager with the weather ...

It has been a long, cold and wet day, today - maybe I am suffering from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) - apparently it is a real thing; and not only has it affected my mood but also my planning and ability to get things done today - even myself is in a state of affective disorder.

I don't expect every day to go according to plan - especially when there are certain things outside of my control. Today though has made me realise I do have to work on improving my contingency planning.

Even dragons will sometimes say a short prayer to the heavens wishing for a break from stormy weather. Their hearts may be beating fiercely in their chests ready to fly, but they are still shackled by doubtful conditions. Perhaps it is wise to stay grounded for the time being - to soar too high while unprepared can be disastrous.

Today I did spend some time reading "Care of the Soul" by Thomas Moore. I have been working my way through this book over recent months. There was one passage that seems most apt at this time. This passage suggests that a real trust of faith is to decide whether to trust someone, knowing that betrayal is inevitable; because life and personality are never without shadow. Faith demands vulnerability and for that to be matched by an equal trust in oneself, the feeling that one can survive the pain of betrayal. Questioning thoughts, drifting away temporarily from commitments, and constant change in ones understanding of faith, may appear as weaknesses but are in fact necessary to temper and balance the light and shadow of faith; and expression of our soul.

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Flying Solo Tip 007365 : Avoid making a wager with the weather, stay grounded in stormy weather.

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... that piece of paper ...

What is it about a piece of paper that makes everything seem so much "more official" ? The birth certificate to prove our existence, the marriage certificate that officially and legally binds you to another, the death certificate confirming our final farewell. Even in this age of digital communications, paper still holds a power unto its own.

Today, I received official notice from the Australian Government that my business has transferred from its former legal entity to one of sole trader. Woah! opening it gave me a moment for pause. Although the transfer is dated 29 June, holding and reading that piece of paper made everything "so real". Now there is a whole slew of administrative work to be done to reset up the business operations under its new entity. It is a day I definitely have to schedule very soon into my diary and just get it done.

When my husband and I initially set up the business, we were so excited when the piece of paper that officially recognised the business partnership arrived. That piece of paper meant so much. Today, my mood was far more sober and sombre. Although I am confident that I can continue to build the business, as a sole trader there is only one place where responsibility and accountability of the business falls. There are no escape clauses. There are no exits for excuse. There is no blame buffer.

I was asked today how did it feel to be "solo", if there was a sense of relief or freedom. To me, flying solo is taking full responsibility for my life. I am not sure that there is a greater or lesser degree of freedom when flying solo compared to being in a partnership (be that business or personal). To be honest, I have struggled through these transitionary months from partnership to sole trader; from being married to being separated. In the past, I was able to readily harness extraordinary amounts of energy to expend on the personal and business partnership. I have found it difficult to gather those same levels of energy to give to myself. It has been a conundrum. Where did that drive go? Why is it that I could be motivated for others but not for myself? When it matters most, will I be able to depend on myself?

It has required some deep soul searching. The best I can come up with is that this is the first time I am in a situation where I only have responsibility and accountability to myself. This is a new and unfamiliar space for me. This is an opportunity to put myself first, to care for myself as much as I used to care for others. It means that I actually have to learn to love and deal with myself rather than projecting that need to be loving and kind and generous onto someone else. I think I am a little afraid of truly loving myself, of being kind and generous to myself. I have stripped myself of my former roles in life - roles that I was very practiced at with respect to the rules of engagement. What roles should I now choose for myself? All I know is that I want to choose wisely, as I am done with dysfunction, despair and dis-ease.

As much as I have always been a person of my own mind, self-sufficient and independent; ironically, I have only expressed these in the context of a relationship. I am strong, somewhat stubborn; I am resilient, somewhat relentless in the pursuit of achieving an outcome, I take responsibility seriously, which is sometimes misconstrued as being controlling. It would be easy to assume that all these characteristics are compatible to a life of flying solo. More often than not, I am certain that these characteristics contributed to my serial entanglement in dysfunctional relationships. Now that I am officially flying solo, I feel that this next phase in my life will test how much and how many of these personal characteristics that I have worn as badge of honour hold true ... or have they all been a mask that I have expertly carried with false bravado because previous circumstances had demanded that of me.

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Flying Solo Tip 006365 : Do I have the courage and conviction to confidently take full responsibility for my own life - no excuses, no blame, no escape clauses, no safety net?

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For everything there is a season and a proper time to roar

... Today's post is dedicated to the black panther that discovered her roar ....

For as long as I can remember I have always enjoyed the Ecclesiastes verse that shares wisdom about the balanced and cyclical nature of life. In the past I was often surprised and amazed by chance encounters with destiny - events that surpass logic and reason, yet were so compelling and ultimately significant to decisions I made about the course of my life. Right time, right place, right decisions, right purpose.

My life has been rich with such experiences; and although I am still in awe, I know longer doubt the authenticity of the moment when it occurs. I am beginning to realise that the more I live my life with a conscious intention, there is a greater chance that these situations will manifest themselves in my days.

Today I was acutely reminded that for everything there is a season and a proper time. Deep in our past we may have planted seeds of friendship, seeds of inspiration, seeds of connection. The life inherent within these seeds can be incredibly patient waiting for their proper time. Some seeds are never destined to germinate as the conditions are never quite right to spark creation. As time passes, we may forget to nurture those seeds, so they lay dormant. Then sometimes, a series of seemingly random circumstances conspire and a dormant seed comes alive with clear purpose - a friendship is formed, an inspiration is brought to reality, or an issue is resolved with alarming effectiveness. Some seeds grow rampantly, to quickly wither and die.

Sometimes we have to allow one season to transition in order for another to transform. If we allow ourselves to flow with the greater breath and cycle of life - grief can give way to joy; confusion can give way to wisdom; and pain can give way to wellness.

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Flying Solo Tip 005365 : To fly solo does not mean to travel through life alone. Glide inside the broader breath of life and constantly plant seeds for connection. At the right time, and for the right purpose they will germinate and grow, bearing the fruits of wisdom.

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