... curiosity, cat, conception, conviction and also for courage.
My posts for the last few days have seemed to unwittingly centre around motherhood - the relationship between mother and sons, the miracle of life when facing the odds, a mother's grief in losing a child and so it seems appropriate to do this post about a relationship between mother and daughter.
It was my mum's birthday yesterday.
My mum and I have not always had the easiest of relationships. Like many relationships it has evolved over the years, and from my point of view for the better as we both grow older.
When I was conceived, my mum was still a teenager - there is barely 18 years that separate us in age. A few months later, my mum and dad got engaged and married before I was born. Next year they will celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary which is an incredible achievement in anyone's book.
In the 1960's there was incredible stigma associated with teenage pregnancy - particularly those out of wedlock. Prof Kathleen Fahy from the Southern Cross University and an esteemed professor of Midwifery said in 2012, "I worked as a young midwife at Sydney Crown Street Women's Hospital where I helped removed babies from teenage mothers in the 1960s. We used to have a nursery that always had 40 to 50 babies to be given up for adoption and these were the babies of teenage mothers. There were institutions where pregnant teenagers were sent and their babies were taken, and I was a part of that I'm ashamed to say." A UK study showed that the highest rate of babies put up for adoption was in 1968 - most of these babies were born to teenage mothers.
Layered on top of the deeply social stigma at the time, my mum also came from a Catholic upbringing, educated by the Catholic nuns. Catholicism has some very stringent rules about he conception and birth of children and their legitimacy in the eyes of God. I do not know how much the Church has moved on its canon laws over the decades, but certainly back in 1967 my conception was regarded as a mortal sin.
I have a very clear recollection of becoming aware of the circumstances surrounding my conception and birth when I was about 7 or 8 years old. I have always been a curious thing, and would always go snooping around the house, inside cupboards, in old suitcases. Mum had these old fashioned photo albums where she had our baby photos and in the front cover she had the important dates listed. I remember coming across these dates and being very confused. The dates did not add up - Had my mum made a mistake when she wrote them down? Being raised on a farm you have an innate understanding about how babies are made and how long it takes for them to be born. I remember asking her and she said - "No, the dates are correct" but did not elaborate. I am not sure how long that puzzle may have muddled over in my brain when it became clear that mum was already pregnant when she got engaged and married my dad.
Sadly the question of legitimacy shadowed the relationship between my mum and I over the years. As a child when things were not going well for her and she obviously wasn't enjoying life, I would feel somehow responsible. I would often think, 'If I had not been conceived perhaps her life would have turned out differently and she would have been happier.' In some ways, I think the question of legitimacy did influence my personality and attitude in life - in a lot of ways I have always set out to prove to myself that I had a right to exist (sometimes I was successful and other times very unsuccessful in satisfying that question); but it also gave me one of the greatest gift - a strong desire not to be bound by the rules of convention. If I had a right to exist then I would certainly be doing that on my terms without society or religion defining for me what was or wasn't appropriate. In some ways I think the question of legitimacy played a hand in shaping my unshakeable independent spirit.
I am ashamed to say that it has taken me almost my entire adult life to truly appreciate my mum's circumstances of following through and choosing to be a mum from such a young age. With that appreciation, whenever I think about a word to describe my mum now - it would be COURAGE. It took a young girl incredible courage to do what she did even though society, her religion, and those around her gave her all the reasons to feel shame, and to feel that in some way that she was sinful. She has no reason to feel shame or guilt - not for then or for now. As Prof Fahy said "You can never know what's going on in another person's life and the best attitude is one of compassion and kindness."
Mum, I am proud of you. I love you. Thank you for carrying me all those months in your womb and giving me the opportunity to be born into this life, a life I would not change for the world.
Flying Solo Tip 076365 : To stand in our own power, we stand inside our own minds with conviction and courage.
